Today is August 2, 2017…. 6 months since my title changed from “wife” to “widow”. Six LONG months. Six months without his smile, his laugh, his goofy sense of humor. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not constantly thinking of him. Missing him. It’s hard.
I’ve realized things I miss that I never appreciated while he was here. Like his strength. I miss having him lift suitcases in and out of the car or open jar lids, or any number of things that require strength. Not that I can’t do it, it’s just that I miss him doing it for me. I never even had to ask. I took that for granted.
I miss not having him to make decisions together. I have found I have such a hard time making decisions because there wasn’t much we didn’t decide together. So making decisions alone is way harder than I thought it would be. I took for granted the partnership we had.
I also took for granted all the ways he helped around the house, how he took care of our yard, the cars, and all the “fix its.” I never had to worry if something broke because I knew he’d fix it. I knew I always had him to help parent and we’d decide together what to do. I took for granted his very presence.
I really, really thought we tried not to take each other for granted but it happens. It’s life.
The reality is that during our marriage he irritated me sometimes, we fought sometimes, and we didn’t always agree. And I KNOW I irritated him sometimes as well. Our life was not perfect. But we loved each other. And we sometimes overlooked showing appreciation for the little things each other did.
I don’t have many regrets but I do regret not telling him more how much I appreciated him, how hard he worked and the way he took care of us. I regret not lifting him up more as the head of our family. I regret when I disrespected him. I don’t want to live in regrets but it is hard to not think of them when thinking of him. I’m thankful knowing that whatever I regret, he forgives me for.
I miss him so much. But I continue on. Putting one foot in front of the other. It is hard. No part is easy but I also trust. I trust that God is with me, walking with me, holding me up when I can’t hold myself up. It is so very evident to me that God is by my side. And as much I know that and feel that and trust that, it doesn’t make living without him hurt any less.