How am I doing? That’s the question I get ask on an almost daily basis. My friends and family ask because they love me and care about me, but the answer is so complicated. Minute by minute and hour by hour things can change. It’s so incredibly complicated to answer. There are good days where I only cry once or not at all. Then there are the bad days that I can’t seem to move out of my bed. Our bed that is now just my bed. In our room that is now just my room. It’s so hard.

This question along with so many others is complicated.  So I respond with,”ok.” I don’t know what else to say.

Over the past 5 weeks since I lost Todd, life has refused to settle down. I find my days fluctuate between incredibly busy and so empty I feel absolutely lost. When my days are full, I feel a level of stress that is very new to me. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I’m so “busy” there is no time to grieve. But when the days are empty, I feel so lonely. And lost. And there hasn’t seemed to be a happy medium yet.

Five weeks. That’s all it’s been. How is that even possible?

11 thoughts on ““OK”

  1. Jen,
    Grief is like an ocean, it ebbs and flows. Just because there are five stages of grief doesn’t mean that it is a linear process. Jesus wept. He was a joker, angry, gentle and steadfast. He knows what it is like to be cut off from true love. We are made in His image and He knew the depths of loss and separation. Let yourself grieve in the way that is uniquely yours. Let the Holy Spirit intercede for you with groans when your heart has no words. He knows every tear. He is holding you even when you feel most bereft. You are greatly loved by a God that never lets go. You are also loved by all of us. It’s ok NOT to be ok. He knows. We do too, to a smaller extent. I love you and I’m here any time you need anything.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember when someone would ask me “how are you” I wanted to scream “how do you think I am???”. As uncomfortable as you are with the answer, they are that uncomfortable with the question. But in the absence of what to say, the question is always asked and the answer is always “ok”. There were times when I was angry that the sun still came up the next morning. It wasn’t supposed to shine without my daddy. But we have a faithful God. We have a God who says “I’m the same yesterday, today and tomorrow” so as we grieve and hurt, He is our comfort. He never leaves us. He will turn our mourning into dancing. But for today, mourn. Mourn the loss of an incredible man. Mourn the lost of a dear friend. Mourn the lost of a loving husband and dad. Mourn because you will be comforted. We mourn with you. We hurt with you. Cry on our shoulders. That’s what the meaning of “bear one another’s burdens” is all about. As the days and weeks and years close, we say blessed is the Lord our God Almighty. Our Comfort comes from Him. Love you Jennifer.
    Psalm 30:11-12 .. . Lord My God, I will praise you forever.

    Liked by 1 person

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